A Million Things I Hated About Me
by AlohaFox
Summary: OneShot, BBTerra. Another continuation to Things Change NOT related to Slap in the Face!. Terra can't come to terms with her wrongdoings, and she goes to extremes to make her wounded friends' lives a whole lot better...or worse? Rated for mature death


_This is an alternate thingy to Things Change. It's not related at all to Slap in the Face. It's a new idea entirely._

_Enjoy._

_Disclaimer: I do not own Teen Titans, or any brands I might mention…or bands_

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**A Million Things I Hated About Me**

**By AlohaFox**

Terra looked across the water at Titans Tower. Her real home all along. It was sitting right there, but yet, she could not reach it. She could not go home. She would never go home.

She was out of her school uniform, in cargo jeans and a gray T-shirt, just her size. One of the pockets in her jeans bulged. She pulled out the object that was in it. A small hand-sized gun. She found it in the street, and decided to test it not when she found it…but now.

She would test it upon herself. If it didn't work, it didn't work. If it worked, it worked.

She would be gone for good.

Terra knew that the city's view on her was warped. Some people forgave her—some did not. She saw the plaque Beast Boy had made for her when she went on a walk around the city that afternoon. He had forgiven her, as did the other Titans.

She was a Teen Titan. And yet…she was not, and she will never be.

Briskly, she stuffed the gun in her pocket. Maybe it would work out. She could try and go into her room again…

Terra lifted a rock from the ground below her booted feet, and she rode to her window. She peeked inside, and gasped.

Beast Boy was lying in her bed, asleep. He looked like he had been tossing and turning from crying.

She caused him grief. She couldn't just waltz in there, like the previous day had not happened—when she pushed him away, acting like she did not remember their love.

And if she came in like this, it would only make matters worse.

Oh, no. Too late, Beast Boy was awakened. He saw her floating on a rock outside. He jumped out of bed and went to the window, pressing his hands to the glass, matching hers. He had a hopeful look on his face. All was forgiven with him.

Terra couldn't bear it. He was unbelievable. She was messed up—not deserving of his eternal flame of love for her.

Terra shook her head, beginning to let the tears roll down her cheeks. Beast Boy looked concerned, pressing his face to the glass, like he could somehow glide through to comfort her. She was killing herself before she even pulled the trigger.

She was killing herself with a deadly bullet—guilt.

Terra reached into her pocket, and touched the gun lightly. Maybe it could work, maybe…

No. She almost killed the young man standing before her—and enjoyed it all. She wanted to kill him. After offering her so much, she spat in his face—and broke his heart.

How naïve of her! How stupid of her to waste everything she had just to gain control! She wished she had realized that family was more important than power, back then. Now she knew, but it was way too late. She had already sabotaged her life.

It truly was something to give yourself up for a good deed, but it was another to give yourself up for something empty and unimportant like an unattainable control for powerful abilities compared to the real things—love, family. The things that really mattered.

There was no turning back now. She didn't see it, then. Now she would take the proper punishment.

Beast Boy saw the intensity of her self-mutilation in her eyes, and he looked extremely concerned, looking at the edges of the windows to see if there was a way to open it. There was none.

Terra raised the gun up and placed the tip at her right eye—the eye that was covered while she was with Slade—the evil eye. The evil side. She was killing that evil side that she let in so she could move a rock with expertise.

There was nothing left of her. She was a pitiful waste.

More tears dribbled down her cheeks, and she looked up to see a look of absolute horror on her love's face. Horror gave way to anguish to desperate to horror again. He pounded on the glass frantically, shouting something Terra couldn't hear. From his lips, it looked like he was screaming, "Stop!! Terra, stop, please stop!"

Terra cried some more, shaking her head.

"I'm sorry," she sobbed, "I'm so sorry, Beast Boy."

She stared into his eyes, which began to water with his own tears.

"I love you," she choked out, shutting her eyes.

_**POW!!**_

"**_NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!_**"

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"…Out of all of the people I have met in my life…Terra was one that will certainly stick. Not because she was a villain…but because she was a hero…a hero she could not find within herself."

Robin looked up as he sighed. What he said was true. Truer than anything he's ever said in his life.

He stepped down from the rocks and took his seat in the assembled lawn chairs by the sea. He took Starfire's hand as she wiped her eyes with the other. She couldn't stop crying since that morning. Starfire could not grasp the concept of suicide—such an act never happened on her planet.

Never.

Earth should be so loving, peaceful. Like Tamaran. So many more lives not deserving of such a tragic fate would be saved.

Terra's body was recovered the minute she hit the ground hundreds of feet below her room. Raven sensed the death and instantly tried to bring her back using her magic, but to no avail.

Terra Markov was dead. She shot herself in the head and fell from several stories.

Everyone came to the memorial—Titans and Honorary Titans alike. None except the Founding Five knew her. But a Titan is a Titan all the same.

Those who did not know her learned about her, anyhow. They learned about her quirks-- always beating Cyborg at arm wrestling even though she had muscles the size of beans, her strong stomach that could handle Starfire's foreign delicacies, how she picked up football faster than anyone Robin's ever met, and the way she had a quiet respect for Raven that ultimately touched the telekinetic to the heart.

Beast Boy did not speak. But everyone knew him and how much he loved Terra—possibly the only person who loved her in her entire life. He knew her more than she knew herself.

He saved her once, almost twice, and finally a last, unexpected time. But this time, the wall between them was too thick. He could not get to her.

The assembly began, the Honorary Titans and anyone else besides the Founding Five began, and leaving the ones that knew her best to have the most time.

Robin led the way near the end. "Sorry, Terra. I wish we could've saved you."

Cyborg was second. He couldn't seem to find anything proper to say, so he simply nodded several times and moved on for Raven.

Raven stared into the casket and closed her eyes. "Goodbye, Terra. I wish I could've saved you, but…I know it's harsh, but…you kind of had to save yourself first," she whispered.

Starfire was still crying profusely. She grasped the geomancer's hand tightly, kissing it. She wiped her eyes again and moved on for Beast Boy.

Beast Boy did not cry.

He stared into her casket, a little scared. This entire day was unnerving. He was not wearing his uniform—but a black turtleneck and blue jeans with nicer black shoes. Terra loved that turtleneck. She said it made him look elegant and manly.

He stared at her, a huge, choking lump in his throat. She was still beautiful, even when she was dead. She was wearing a turtleneck sweater that was multi-colored—the color of fall. Its sleeves flared slightly. On her legs were corduroy khakis, the fuzzy ones that kept her warm. She wore her brown, scuffed boots on her feet.

She looked like she was sleeping. But she was still. No one was as still as she was when they were asleep. She was stiller than still. Like…like…

Like a rock.

Slowly, timidly, he reached out to touch her bare hand, lying on her taut stomach. He touched it not for a second before he flinched away. He reached again, and touched. It was not as cold as he expected. But it was colder than it should've been. And too calm.

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A few weeks later, it came to be July 27th. Beast Boy turned sixteen. And someone else would've turned fifteen on that same date.

He took his old, battered Chevy and drove to the cemetery. He looked up at his CD collection. It was a massive collection of anything in music—from Lonestar to Nirvana to Beethoven.

He liked how Terra would listen to Norah Jones one minute and rock out to Led Zepplin the next. She had an appreciation for all music. She went to the mall and they stayed in the music store the entire day.

Beast Boy blinked rapidly. _No tears yet_, he told himself. _Save it for later_. He looked out his left window and saw the moon. It was bold and golden-orange. It was beautiful.

Terra loved the moon. When it would rise in its full glory, she would always gasp, "Oh, she's beautiful tonight." She loved Moony.

He looked down at his passenger seat. There was an entire memorial for Terra on that very seat—the seat where she would've sat with him if she rode in this car. On the top was a Jewish star. There was a _My Chemical Romance_ magazine cover. There was an Evanescence T-shirt she wore. There was her perfume, her body lotion, and her incense. There was also her favorite pair of jeans that smelled like her, and her favorite books, _Trickster's Queen_ and _Blood and Chocolate_.

Beast Boy sighed. He had to do this.

He picked up the brown bag, and walked out to the cemetery. He walked up the path until he got to the top of the hill, where the big oak tree was. It was swollen with green leaves of summertime.

Summer was Terra's favorite season.

He stood in front of the headstone, reading the epitaph.

_Terra Suzanne Markov_

_July 27th, 1991 – April 30th, 2006_

_No Greater Friend, No Worse Enemy_

Beast Boy walked forward a few steps and knelt. He placed a bouquet of red and white roses by her tombstone. He took out the contents of the paper bag—her jeans and her gray T-shirt. The clothes she was wearing the night she died. He held them close, closing his eyes and remembering…

_Raven tried and tried to bring her back, and finally she collapsed in a chair, holding her head in her hands, anguished and exhausted. _

"_I tried, you guys…I tried, but I can't…"_

"_YOU MUST!! RAVEN PLEASE!! IF YOU DON'T DO SOMETHING SHE'LL DIE!"_

"_Beast Boy, she was dead before she even hit the ground. I can't bring her back."_

"_NO! THERE'S GOTTA BE SOME TIME LEFT! CLEAN HER UP, REMOVE THE BULLET!"_

_Raven looked at him wearily. "Beast Boy, I can't. I've tried…if I try any harder, both of us will be weakened to the point of danger and Terra might end up a vegetable. What's worse—being dead or being alive and not recognizing you or the rest of us?"_

_Beast Boy shook his head violently. "I DON'T CARE, RAVEN!!"_

"_What happened? Did someone shoot her?" Starfire asked, weeping. Robin pulled her outside. He had to explain suicide. _

"_Yes, you do care, Beast Boy. You just don't see it now. All you see is her being dead."_

"_IF YOU DON'T DO SOMETHING THIS INSTANT, RAVEN-!"_

"_**Don't you DARE threaten me at a time like this!!" **Raven's eyes flickered red, and a lamp shattered above the two teens._

_Both of them fell silent. Raven was glaring at Beast Boy, who looked weak. His shoulders were slumped, and he buried his face in his hands. Raven did not know if it meant he was going to cry or if he just didn't want to look at her._

"_Beast Boy. Do you honestly think I would tell you she was dead if she wasn't?" she asked him quietly._

_No. Raven was straight-forward and honest. _

_Raven sighed, and touched his arm. He reached out and hugged her, burying his face in her neck. At first, she flinched. Then she relaxed as she heard his muffled sobs. Normally she would've shoved him off by now. But he needed a shoulder to cry on. And she was right there._

_They remained like that for a long time. Finally Beast Boy pulled away and walked out of the room, not able to look her straight in the eye._

Beast Boy sighed, back to the present. He laid down the clothes by her flowers, and lay down on the ground. He felt the pulse of the earth, and he began to cry. Silent, body-wracking sobs. Hot tears spilled from his emerald eyes.

After a few minutes passed, he sniffled, and sighed, relaxing.

"Terra-cotta…" he whispered, "…I'm lost. Please. I need to remember who I am. I need to remember what we were. Please tell me."

He leaned his ear against the ground. He listened.

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_--okay, everyone, take a breath. Sorry I had so much tragedy in this. I just had this idea in the back of my stressed noggin and I needed to get it out._

_Now, for reviewer interaction! What did Beast Boy hear in the earth by Terra's grave? You tell me. Please? I'll love you as a friend for all eternity… (just don't let it be a flame answer or anything stupid like that)_

_Thanks for reading this. I hope y'all like it._

_--AlohaFox aka Chloe_


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